


Hold Me Together

by childofsummer



Series: The Ways I'll Love You Endlessly [11]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, F/F, Original Character(s), Therapy, mentions of thoughts of self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 10:07:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17404922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/childofsummer/pseuds/childofsummer
Summary: Lena Luthor has been carrying the weight of her name and family for too long and she is starting to fray around the edges. Alex can see this and she does her best to help the woman she loves.





	Hold Me Together

**Author's Note:**

> I know I usually write fluffy feel-good stuff but I was having a day and this helped me deal.
> 
> Also, I know I haven't been posting but this is the first time in over three weeks that I've had time to even turn my laptop on. Hopefully once the holidays are over I'll have a bit more time.
> 
> For those of you that are still following this series, you are all amazing and I have a lot of love for you.

Alex notices that something might be wrong on a Tuesday.

She’s been dating Lena Luthor for a few months but they were friends long before their relationship became romantic. She’s noticed recently that Lena is looking more tired than usual and she is more reserved than Alex has ever seen her. She’d just assumed that Lena is under a lot of pressure at work and that’s the reason why her girlfriend has been staying late at the office and blowing off date night.

Alex is frustrated with herself that she didn’t notice Lena’s pattern of behaviour sooner. She can’t remember the last time she actually witnessed her girlfriend eating anything and an offhand comment from Kara earlier about Lena blowing off their lunches made her stomach lurch uncomfortably.

She knows that Lena is struggling but she has no idea how to offer her support without making her girlfriend retreat defensively. She knows how proud and independent Lena can be, but all she wants to do is wrap her in her arms until she can stand on her own again. She vows to pay closer attention to Lena to see if there is any way at all that she can help her. On her way out of work she stops at a florist and buys a bright bunch of flowers that she hopes will make Lena smile.

Lena does smile when Alex presents the flowers to her later that night, but it doesn’t reach her eyes and something inside Alex shatters at the sight of her girlfriend looking so empty.

Weeks pass and Alex does her best to show Lena that she loves her and will always support her, but the brunette disappears further inside herself every day. Alex breaks down one afternoon and calls Kara after Lena stays late at the office for the seventh night in a row. Kara is understandably concerned about her best friend but also her sister in this moment. Lena clearly isn’t comfortable opening up to either of them and Alex is at a loss about how to help.

Kara presents Alex with a list of therapists the next morning that she stayed up all night diligently researching. Now she just has to gently introduce the idea of therapy to Lena.

 

* * *

 

 

Alex finds out exactly how bad things have gotten on a Thursday.

Lena hasn’t responded to any of her texts and calls for two days and Alex is worried. She leaves work early and picks up some food to take to Lena’s because as much as she has been dreading this entire situation, the time has come for them to have a conversation.

Lena’s doorman smiles as he lets her into the building and she uses her spare key to get into the penthouse. She calls out to let Lena know that she is there but the whole place is dark and silent. She unloads her groceries into Lena’s alarmingly empty fridge before checking her message thread with Lena’s assistant. Apparently Lena got home over two hours ago.

Alex walks further into the apartment and she feels herself slightly relax when she hears the shower running. She knocks on the bathroom door to let Lena know that she is there but she receives no response from her girlfriend, causing her heart to race.

“Lena I need you to respond otherwise I’m coming in.” Alex calls out as she grabs the doorhandle and waits. She receives no response so she twists the knob and slowly pushes the door open, afraid of what she might find on the other side.

Lena is huddled on the floor of the shower, fully clothed and shaking terribly. Alex immediately rushes over and drops to her knees in front of the brunette. She flinches at the icy water that soaks into her clothes so she reaches over and turns off the tap. Once the water stops flowing the bathroom becomes almost deafening in its silence.

“Lena, would it be alright for me to touch you?” Alex whispers nervously as the other woman still hasn’t registered her presence in the room.

“Lena?” Alex asks again when she receives no response.

“Why are you here Alex?” Lena whispers brokenly as she looks at her girlfriend for the first time in days.

“Where else would I be?” Alex asks as she carefully helps Lena sit up. She swallows hard at the sight of the sharp blade that has been discarded onto the tiles.

Lena notices her reaction and she flinches shamefully. “I couldn’t do it.”

“Couldn’t do what?” Alex asks in an attempt to keep Lena talking, not because she actually thinks that she could stomach the answer.

“Cut myself. I could do it to me but I couldn’t do it to you.” Lena admits as Alex helps her out of her wet clothes.

“I’m really glad you didn’t Lena, but we are going to have to talk about this.” Alex says as she wraps a warm towel around Lena’s shivering, naked frame.

“I’m so sorry.” Lena sobs as Alex guides her to the bedroom. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Lena, there is nothing wrong with you.” Alex kneels in front of Lena once the brunette is seated on the edge of the bed. “Everyone struggles sometimes and I could never hold this against you. You have so much more on your shoulders than most people could possibly imagine and you never get any credit for the amazing things that you have achieved. You are brilliant and kind and beautiful and a few bad days won’t make me love you any less.” Alex declares as she tucks Lena under the blankets and climbs into the other side of the bed to wrap herself around her girlfriend in an attempt to warm her up.

“I don’t feel like I deserve your love.” Lena sniffles as Alex pulls her in closer to her chest.

“Well its’s a good thing that you don’t get to decide how much I love you, because I choose to love you with my whole heart and you can’t change my mind.” Alex presses a soft kiss into Lena’s damp hair.

“Even when I’m like this?” Lena asks fearfully.

“Of course.” Alex says, like it’s the most obvious answer in the world.

“I love you Alex.” Lena says as she finally stops shivering.

“I love you too and I hope you understand that what I say next comes from a place of love.” Alex says seriously.

“What is it?” Lena asks quietly.

“I think you should consider talking to someone about the things that are bothering you.”  Alex says slowly, feeling the moment Lena tenses in her arms.

“Like a therapist?” Lena whispers fearfully.

“Yeah.” Alex does her best to wordlessly reassure her girlfriend that she is loved and supported.

They lie together in silence for a long time and Alex is happy to let Lena think it through and not push her into something that she may not want to do. She knows her girlfriend sometimes needs to retreat into her own head for a while to work out how to verbalise what she is feeling and she knows rushing her won’t help anything.

“If I say yes, would you come with me?” Lena eventually says, turning in Alex’s arms so that she can see her face.

“As many times as you need, I promise.” Alex smiles reassuringly and kisses Lena gently on the forehead.

“I suppose I’ll look for someone in the morning then.” Lena sighs and rests her head against Alex’s chest.

“Lena I’ll support you with whatever you decide, but I need to know that you don’t think I’m pushing you into therapy. It needs to be your choice.” Alex watches Lena take a deep, shaky breath and hugs her a bit tighter in response.

“I’m clearly not okay and you and I both know that. Maybe it’s time I learn how to be.” Lena responds as a tear trails slowly down her cheek.

 

* * *

 

 

Alex witnesses the first signs of a positive change on a Monday.

Lena, as promised, booked an appointment with one of the doctors on Kara’s list. Alex is blowing off work to support her girlfriend as she makes this important step to help herself. Lena’s hand is clammy and shaking and Alex is pretty sure that she’s losing the circulation in at least two fingers, but she refuses to make her girlfriend more worried by mentioning it. Kara is with them in the waiting room doing her absolute best to keep everyone’s spirits high and Alex is so proud of her little sister and her big heart.

The door to the office swings open and a short, blonde woman with a kind face steps out. They all snap to attention as the doctor quickly assesses the three women in her waiting room before stopping on Lena. “Miss Luthor, are you ready to come inside?”

Lena’s grip on Alex’s hand tightens but she stands up and smiles politely. “Is it okay if Alex comes with me?”

The doctor smiles reassuringly at the clearly anxious woman. “Of course she can, I want you to be comfortable here and if your friend can help ease some of your nerves I don’t have a problem with it.”

Lena’s posture becomes marginally less rigid at the knowledge that she doesn’t have to face this alone. “Alex is my girlfriend.” Lena informs the doctor as the redhead rises off the couch.

“Oh, of course, my mistake.” The doctor smiles at the couple before turning her gaze to the blonde woman in the pastel blue cardigan.

“Hi I’m Kara, Lena’s best friend.” The blonde announces cheerfully.

“How lovely. I’m glad to see that you have a good support system Lena.” The doctor steps back and indicates that they should move into her office.

Kara pulls Lena into a tight hug that leaves the brunette a little winded. “I’ll be here until you’re done. I can get some work done while I wait, but I’m not leaving you. I promise.”

“Thank you Kara. It means a lot to me that you’re here.” Lena admits bashfully.

“There is nowhere I’d rather be right now, so get in there and do what you’ve got to do.” Kara smiles and gently shoves Lena and Alex towards the chuckling doctor.

“She seems like quite the character.” The doctor smiles as she moves to sit in her chair.

“You have no idea.” Alex grins as she sits on the couch next to Lena and across from the doctor.

“Alright Lena, let’s get started. My name is Doctor Linda Morris. You can call me Linda, or Doctor Morris. Whichever you are more comfortable with.” Linda adjusts her glasses before flipping open a new notebook. “Would you like to tell me what brought you here today?”

Lena laces her fingers through Alex’s and squeezes nervously. “Well Linda, I honestly don’t really know how it started. I didn’t even realise that I had started isolating myself from my friends, I wasn’t eating enough, and I was working too much and barely sleeping. Then last week…” Lena takes a shuddering breath and looks at Alex with tears in her eyes.

“You’re doing so good Lena.” Alex lifts their joined hands and places a gentle kiss on her girlfriend’s knuckles.

“What happened last week?” Linda asks once it is clear that Alex has helped calm Lena back down.

“I almost self-harmed.” Lena admits quietly.

“In what way?” Linda makes a note in her book before focusing on the brunette.

“I got home from work and I just felt numb. I felt like I wasn’t really in my body anymore, so I took a knife from the kitchen and got in the shower. I didn’t even notice that my clothes were still on. All I could think about was how much I needed to make myself hurt. How the pain would prove that I was still present.” Lena stares resolutely at her lap as she forces the words out, tethered to the world by Alex’s warm hand in her own.

“What stopped you?” Linda prompts gently.

“Alex.” Lena glances up at her girlfriend and takes strength in the redhead’s encouraging smile. “I knew that hurting myself would hurt Alex and I just couldn’t do it.”

“Well I’m glad to hear that you didn’t harm yourself and that you are strong enough to be here today.” Linda smiles warmly at her patient.

“I just want to feel better.” Lena finally makes eye contact with the blonde.

“It will take time to get there Lena, but you have already made the hardest step by coming here. I’m confident that I can help you learn to identify your triggers and better ways to cope with stress and uncertainty.” Linda declares warmly as Lena marginally relaxes her posture.

“How do we start?” Lena asks.

“From the beginning. Tell me about your childhood.” Linda scrawls a few notes into her book before turning to a fresh page.

Alex listens with rapt attention as Lena tells Linda about the death of her birth mother and being sent to live with the Luthors. Her stomach turns as her girlfriend talks about the pressure of growing up under Lillian’s fierce hand and all of the unrealistic expectations that she could never possibly live up to. Lena talks about losing her brother. Not the crazed terrorist that he ended up being, but the sweet boy that taught her how to play chess and protected her from her parents. Lena talks about how she never felt like she could measure up and about how no-one ever believed in her or supported her. Not until Alex and Kara anyway.

“Lena you have made a fantastic start here today. I am so glad that you made the choice to come here and I think that you are capable of great progress.” Linda admits once Lena’s session comes to an end.

“I’m glad I came as well. I’m ready to be a better version of myself.” Lena smiles as Alex wraps an arm around her waist.

The three women stand up and Alex moves to shake Linda’s hand. The redhead was silent for the entire session because she didn’t want to accidentally throw Lena from her train of thought. She is so proud of the way that her girlfriend opened up and is genuinely giving therapy a chance. “Thank you, Linda.”

“It was a pleasure to meet you Alex.” Linda replies as she retrieves her hand from the redhead’s surprisingly strong grip.

They open the door and Kara jumps up with a bright grin and pulls Lena into a crushing hug. “I’m so proud of you! How did it go?”

“It was fine.” Lena chuckles as she pries herself from Kara’s arms.

“Same time next week Lena?” Linda asks.

“Yes, thank you.” Lena shakes Linda’s hand before following her two favourite people out the door.

Alex goes with Lena to her next two appointments before the brunette is comfortable enough to go on her own. She notices the joy slowly returning to Lena week after week and it warms her heart to see her love doing so well. She speaks with Kara and they decide to start going to therapy as well, in an effort to support Lena, but also because they have some issues that they have been holding onto for too long. Linda is more than happy to see them and Alex finds herself becoming more content than she has been in years.

 

* * *

 

 

Alex knows that everything will be okay on a Saturday.

Alex married her best friend today. Lena looked absolutely stunning in her white dress and Alex could barely take her eyes off the woman all day. She knows that she looked like a lovesick puppy but she doesn’t care in the slightest. Lena looked so happy and carefree all day and Alex knows that the smile on Lena’s face, right after the celebrant pronounced them married, will be seared into her memory for the rest of her life. Lena has been in therapy for two years now and she has learned so much about herself. Alex knows that her wife will still have hard days, she’s been through too much not to, but she also knows that she will be there for her. Linda has helped Alex learn how to support Lena without smothering her and Lena has learned how to ask Alex for help when she needs it.

Alex knows that Lena has demons but they have learned how to fight them together. They have each other and their love has made them unstoppable.


End file.
